“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” —Clara Ortega
The dynamics of every family is unique and the dynamics between siblings is even more complex. In our household it can be characterized by a mixture of jealousy, fierce closeness, anger and love. Growing up with a 10 year spread between the oldest and youngest in my family, we each have stories and perceptions different from the other. We played, we fought, we shared and even competed for our parents’ love. But one thing was sure, my parents, liked me best. :0 Seriously, our relationship with each other morphed often and will continue to do so as we all travel the journey of life.
No matter what your present relationship is with your sibling his or her death will be a blow. Your stories started together, and memories are intertwined.
So, what can we do to help ease the grief and move toward reconciliation?
The first thing you do is, HOLD ON TO THE OBJECTS OF THE PAST. Yes, that old diary you wrote your most secret thoughts when you were 10 years old, that collection of old yearbooks, those pictures, videos, taken throughout your childhood, CDs or even clothes. You know, the things that might be considered “junk” by your kids or those clearing out your estate.
It’s those very important, linking object that will help your siblings, laugh, cry, smile and ultimately give them the comfort they so readily need when you are gone. They may also give you comfort in the weeks and months ahead.
When researching the topic of siblings, I heard a great story about a family of 4 that would gather at a yearly event. They agreed years ago, that each would have a bottle of wine labeled and safely put away, in their home with 3 simple words, “for my siblings.” The purpose, when one of them would die, their bottle would be brought to the memorial service, or special sibling event and drunk by the siblings. A private moment or two, for those left behind. The purpose is to start the closure process. It is here that the stories, the wine, the memories, and the tears are shared. Add in those linking objects is a way to remember the sibling who died and honor your ongoing feelings of love and loss.
“Nothing can replace your sibling, but fond memories can cut through the darkness like rays of sunshine. May the warmth of those rays warm your soul.” – Unknown
Carlene
